I'm Back :)

Ok...well it's definitely a new year now.. but I want to say that I am no longer that hostile. lol. Chels is still a major part of my life and I love her dearly. Everyone goes through rough patches right? Like right now. I'm supposed to somehow finish all my homework-understand it and maintain a 3.0 for this school year...EEP! I know God wants me to teach but this is getting a little hard. Then again so is life. :D

I'm facing it head on. Can't wait to get my own life though. One were I don't have to worry about knowing stuff I just do. I don't think that's possible but it would be nice.

Anyways I mainly just wanted to write another entry because my other one is so OLD. And to show myself that I have changed I guess. I'm not carrying around any more regrets about the past, I'm no longer searching for that "special" someone to sweep me off my feet. I'm simply myself. I'm finding out what God wants for me and concentrating on why I am in Oklahoma right now. Seeing as I lost sight of the goal for awhile...lol. I know it sounds insane but it's like you get to college and all of a sudden you start taking for granted the things you had. You start feeling like on some cosmic level this school owes you an education when they really don't. You owe them one. So- in light of just figuring this out, I'm going to work my butt off. Literally and figuratively. So that hopefully by the end of this year I will have lost some weight and gained some knowledge of what I want out of this life. lol.

Hope I write again soon- I really do miss it.

~Mandi Jo.

happy new year?...

Well thus far my year has been pretty uneventful. Which in lame mans terms means all my friends seem to be ditching me. Or they are simply "too busy" and I feel like I have to invite myself to things. I HATE doing that. Not to mention today is Chelsea Vitt's birthday.

I wrote her a letter saying all this great buddie stuff like how I hope it's filled with memories and happiness...but somewhere along the way I'm realizing maybe I'm not letting go of these feelings of hatred that I should. I mean I feel like I'm lying to her and to myself. I am not happy with her. In fact I'm really peeved on what she's become and what she let her self morph into. I'm also really upset that she's taken Sarah with her, and that she continues to use her for her brother. Ugh! I mean Sarah was like one of the most down to earth people I have ever met. She even came back last year from Honduras with a mindset I would kill for and now look what's happend. Chelsea's wormed her egotistic mindset into her and now all she can think about are her clothes and boys.I mean seriously who cares about their appearance as much as Chelsea does? I don't even WANT to know people like that. I mean yeah sure occasionally I'll worry about my outer appearance, but It's not like I want to stand in front of a mirror all day looking at myself. And it's not that she does but I think she might if she had the chance to. I don't like this at all. I really don't like what I'm writing even. I mean I never thought it would get this bad.
I mean I even find myself realizing I've changed because of this, and not for the better. She's turned me into this person who cares too much about herself and not others. I thrive on that. I love helping people because I feel that's what I can do for God. But lately I've been so dead inside that it just seems like I'm not feeling anything from him, or from myself. I can't get my heart into prayer, and I believe it's because of all this crap I keep holding on to. I even talked to Pam about this. Well to an extent at least, and she said that it is really hard but I should pray for those who make me feel this way, and talk it over with God. Maybe I should I just can't seem to find the words, or maybe that's just a lame excuse because I don't want to face myself. I really can't see how I can right now. Maybe that's why all my friends seem to be "busy" all the time now. Maybe they see this darkness in my soul that I've been trying to hide for so long. I mean I'm lonely, I'm stressed. I got two sisters that could very well drive me to depression for their actions and I really really don't know how to deal with it. I mean Cherie a Lutheran? and Olivia having a baby and not beileving in Christ? What GIVES?????? I mean above all things that are happening right now, I still do belive Jesus is always with me- I just can't feel him right now, and that scares me. But I know I want him with Livi. I want her to come on her own but I feel like I need to motivate her or do something! but then I think that maybe God doesnt want it to come from me, and maybe it just can't. Maybe she can't see through all the "christian college" facade that she thinks she sees. but that's just it! I've always acted like this. I've been on fire for the Lord since I was 13 years old! I have always been different...but maybe she's never known that, and maybe she's never really seen me- and that's what scares me.
Oh I sure hope this all get's resolved soon. I really don't want to be with these emotions for too much longer.
Help me Lord, help me find the way.
Help me let go.

~Mandi

Another Journal Entry

Well that last entry is pretty old news so...all I'm going to say about it is that I would really rather not remember that day. At all. I'm sure anyone can agree with me on that one.
Anyways, now it's December which means Finals!...ugh. Can't even express to you how much I hate Psychology right now. And the fact of the matter is I would probably do really well on the test tomorrow if I felt like I wasnt going to kill over from sleep deprivation. I swear Lexi just doesnt understand that not all of us can sleep in all day every day. She may be ok with sleeping her days away but..some of us have responsiblities and lives we have to get to. Just saying. Not to mention I can't leave until Friday. Which really wamps cause I could be gone by wed. but since I don't have a car, and since I have to sing for a Graduation ceremony- and since I want to stay a memeber of Chorale, I'm have to wait till Friday to go home. Great.
*sigh*
And this whole love thing is really not helping my life right now. Don't know why all of a sudden I care, but I do. I mean I can't stand the fact that I'm going home for the holidays..and when we sit down for dinner at christmas I will be the one all alone- AGAIN. I just wish I knew when it was going to be my turn. Not that I'm ready- I'm not. I know having a relationship right now would probably do me more harm then good but...doesnt keep me from wanting something that seems so amazing and effortless. I mean I know what it feels like to love- I was worried that I didnt but I do. I know what it feels like to be loved by Christ. To have my life laid before me with God and to know he will always be there. Maybe that's my issue though. Maybe Blake is right and my standards are to high. But I think if God chose a man for me, he'll have all the things that I need and want. He'll be perfect for me in ways I've never even dreamed and you know how I know this? Not because I'm a hopeless romantic, or because I've been dreaming of it forever. But because God chose it for me. Everything that comes from him is good and perfect- and isn't that the very definition of love to begin with?
Alright well seeing as I've neglected my studies for a good 30 min now..I think I should go start studying.
Go go finals!...ha ha ha ha haa....

~Mandi

A funeral for Grandma

What do you do? I mean really? When your Grandma dies? What do you say to your mom, after she's lost hers? I mean I know she's been trying to be really strong for all of us but seriously I know she can't be, because I'm not. I'm not ok with this at all. In fact I think it's safe to say I've been brave and strong long enough. Now I'm seriously just trying to get through this week without thinking about the next time I'm going to see her. I honestly never thought this would happen as soon as it did, and I know God's timing is perfect but I also know this is going to change everything. I mean my mom just lost one of her best friends. Well, to be honest I guess she'd lost her way before she died because she had alzheimers but it still is one of the biggest loads I think she's going to have to carry. I know all her childern must be feeling this way. I don't even want to think anymore about my mom.
Also, with my mom having demencia this isnt exactly the best way to see my Grandma die cause now all I'm hoping and praying for is that my mom doesnt die the same way.
I know this is awful to write but I've been holding this in for ever and I can't not write about it. I'm a writer it's what I do. And now I keep drawing things- you know what that means? It means I'm trying to find an outlet for myself because I'm stressed out. When I'm stressed and depressed I write, or draw, and of course I bake. I bake everything from scratch but of course being at college kind of kills that..especially when they charge you 50 cents to use the kitchens because the girls that have been using have totally trashed it.
Respect people that's all it is.
You know what the really sad part about all of this is? I'm stuck in Oklahoma, and now Cherie has to come down to get me and quite honestly...I would rather it be dad to tell you the truth cause she's going to have me crying all the way home.
She does that.
Anyways I'm kinda tired of complaining of my problems so I'll go now.
bye!
~Mandi

my crush

Dear God,

Ok so he's not the guy I had in mind to be completely honest. He is tall, dark, and handsome, but he is so not the "man's man" I was thinking of. God just kinda put him in my life, and now I can't stop wishing that one day we'll be more than just friends. He always makes me laugh- maybe that's how he wormed his way into my heart, but I just can't let him go. I keep thinking maybe this is a waste of time-that I should seriously let it go, and just be his friend. But then I'll see him and I can't seem to tell my heart to stop wanting something that it can't have.
Dang thing, won't give me a min's rest. So you know what? I'm going to give it to you Lord, because your the only one that knows me and quite honestly are the only one who knows when/if they're will be a perfect time for me and him.
So goodnight to all, and I love you Lord- In Christs' name I pray, Amen.

~Mandi

Weekly Update-

So this is supposed to be the ending of a era right? I mean my parents moved yesterday- I'm in college, and Cherie just got married. But for some reason I keep wanting to go back. I mean I miss everyone and everything about home. I mean don't get me wrong I love my life here. But it's like I'm constantly supposed to be this bubbly social person, and at times that's good and all but at other times I'm just so exhausted and I don't want to try. I just want to go home, but that's just it- my parents moved, so I can't go home. The home I know is gone. And I haven't talked to anyone in my family since like 3 days ago because my stupid cell phone is out of minutes. Man I could write a book about his couldn't I? ha ha, I probably will.
And another thing-men are weird. I mean really.
Jeesh- you know how annoying it is to like someone and not have you like them back? Well imagine them liking you as a friend and because they don't want to ruin the nice little conversations you have going - they never say anything. And so then when you've decided your going to give up on him and put yourself out there again- he goes and pulls something like "I want you to meet my parents"....I'm so utterly confused I don't know what to do. And I don't even really know if we'd work together either. Because I want a man. I mean a man who will stand up to my dad if he doesn't approve. A man that would die for Christ and me, and a man who makes me laugh so hard I think I might die. I mean is that so hard? A guy who can be serious and funny? Is that asking too much to have someone open up to me? I mean I really can probably understand any situation you throw in my direction. I can see where you're coming from and I can help you- you just have to let me love you. I mean isn't that what God asks of us everyday when we need to make a decision? To love him- to just let us be loved by him?
Man out off all the things this week at least I got to see a baptism today- yup that's right everyone we have a new sister in Christ! AMEN!
Oh and your probably wondering what type of a week I've had eh? Well it was all going pretty well- wrote 2 papers, and took some quizzes, did my homework, and now I'm supposed to be studying. And so when I went to go paint the set for the Play the Ugly Duckling this Saturday, it was not a big deal because I had done so many other hard things this week right? Well...I fell and landed on the chair I was conveniently using as a stepping stool to paint a castle tower...and totally bruised the inside of my leg..which is conveniently located right next to my butt. So whenever I sit...ouch. Yeah- I don't think I'll ever forget this bruise. ha ha. I was surfing the web last night just trying to find something to tell me how to treat it- cold compress and rest...yup did em. So why does it still hurt? Because it's a muscle bruise- which means it wont heal for up to a month. OH JOY!
Well that's the update of my week- I'm sure whoever reads this will get a kick out of it but..yeah this is me and my life-get used to it :D

~Mandi Jo.

GOT A HOLD ON ME-HANSON

Try as I mightI'm a fool in a losing fightCan't escape the bullet's biteCuz the enemy's inside.Sign on the dotted lineTake your pick Have a biteWhen seduction startsI know it won't stopTill I give you the thingsI can't denyYou've got me wrapped up in your cancerBut I'm not quite what you thought I'd be{You really got a hold on meYou really got a hold and its feelin' good.You really got control of meI should've gotten out when I thought I could}I get my fix for the last time One more trip to the other sideI scratch my skinCuz you leave me dryI'm makin' deals with thieves and liars{chorus}Walk the roads down the boulevardsPast the dollar shows for the bleeding heartsYou've used me upDown to the last dropBut I'm more than what you thought I'd beYou thought you had a hold on meYou thought you had a hold and its feelin' good.You thought you had control of meShould have gotten out when you thought I wouldYou thought you had control of meBut you never had your hold on meYou never had control of meYou never had control of me, control of me