Well thus far my year has been pretty uneventful. Which in lame mans terms means all my friends seem to be ditching me. Or they are simply "too busy" and I feel like I have to invite myself to things. I HATE doing that. Not to mention today is Chelsea Vitt's birthday.
I wrote her a letter saying all this great buddie stuff like how I hope it's filled with memories and happiness...but somewhere along the way I'm realizing maybe I'm not letting go of these feelings of hatred that I should. I mean I feel like I'm lying to her and to myself. I am not happy with her. In fact I'm really peeved on what she's become and what she let her self morph into. I'm also really upset that she's taken Sarah with her, and that she continues to use her for her brother. Ugh! I mean Sarah was like one of the most down to earth people I have ever met. She even came back last year from Honduras with a mindset I would kill for and now look what's happend. Chelsea's wormed her egotistic mindset into her and now all she can think about are her clothes and boys.I mean seriously who cares about their appearance as much as Chelsea does? I don't even WANT to know people like that. I mean yeah sure occasionally I'll worry about my outer appearance, but It's not like I want to stand in front of a mirror all day looking at myself. And it's not that she does but I think she might if she had the chance to. I don't like this at all. I really don't like what I'm writing even. I mean I never thought it would get this bad.
I mean I even find myself realizing I've changed because of this, and not for the better. She's turned me into this person who cares too much about herself and not others. I thrive on that. I love helping people because I feel that's what I can do for God. But lately I've been so dead inside that it just seems like I'm not feeling anything from him, or from myself. I can't get my heart into prayer, and I believe it's because of all this crap I keep holding on to. I even talked to Pam about this. Well to an extent at least, and she said that it is really hard but I should pray for those who make me feel this way, and talk it over with God. Maybe I should I just can't seem to find the words, or maybe that's just a lame excuse because I don't want to face myself. I really can't see how I can right now. Maybe that's why all my friends seem to be "busy" all the time now. Maybe they see this darkness in my soul that I've been trying to hide for so long. I mean I'm lonely, I'm stressed. I got two sisters that could very well drive me to depression for their actions and I really really don't know how to deal with it. I mean Cherie a Lutheran? and Olivia having a baby and not beileving in Christ? What GIVES?????? I mean above all things that are happening right now, I still do belive Jesus is always with me- I just can't feel him right now, and that scares me. But I know I want him with Livi. I want her to come on her own but I feel like I need to motivate her or do something! but then I think that maybe God doesnt want it to come from me, and maybe it just can't. Maybe she can't see through all the "christian college" facade that she thinks she sees. but that's just it! I've always acted like this. I've been on fire for the Lord since I was 13 years old! I have always been different...but maybe she's never known that, and maybe she's never really seen me- and that's what scares me.
Oh I sure hope this all get's resolved soon. I really don't want to be with these emotions for too much longer.
Help me Lord, help me find the way.
Help me let go.
~Mandi
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