Another Journal Entry

Well that last entry is pretty old news so...all I'm going to say about it is that I would really rather not remember that day. At all. I'm sure anyone can agree with me on that one.
Anyways, now it's December which means Finals!...ugh. Can't even express to you how much I hate Psychology right now. And the fact of the matter is I would probably do really well on the test tomorrow if I felt like I wasnt going to kill over from sleep deprivation. I swear Lexi just doesnt understand that not all of us can sleep in all day every day. She may be ok with sleeping her days away but..some of us have responsiblities and lives we have to get to. Just saying. Not to mention I can't leave until Friday. Which really wamps cause I could be gone by wed. but since I don't have a car, and since I have to sing for a Graduation ceremony- and since I want to stay a memeber of Chorale, I'm have to wait till Friday to go home. Great.
*sigh*
And this whole love thing is really not helping my life right now. Don't know why all of a sudden I care, but I do. I mean I can't stand the fact that I'm going home for the holidays..and when we sit down for dinner at christmas I will be the one all alone- AGAIN. I just wish I knew when it was going to be my turn. Not that I'm ready- I'm not. I know having a relationship right now would probably do me more harm then good but...doesnt keep me from wanting something that seems so amazing and effortless. I mean I know what it feels like to love- I was worried that I didnt but I do. I know what it feels like to be loved by Christ. To have my life laid before me with God and to know he will always be there. Maybe that's my issue though. Maybe Blake is right and my standards are to high. But I think if God chose a man for me, he'll have all the things that I need and want. He'll be perfect for me in ways I've never even dreamed and you know how I know this? Not because I'm a hopeless romantic, or because I've been dreaming of it forever. But because God chose it for me. Everything that comes from him is good and perfect- and isn't that the very definition of love to begin with?
Alright well seeing as I've neglected my studies for a good 30 min now..I think I should go start studying.
Go go finals!...ha ha ha ha haa....

~Mandi

A funeral for Grandma

What do you do? I mean really? When your Grandma dies? What do you say to your mom, after she's lost hers? I mean I know she's been trying to be really strong for all of us but seriously I know she can't be, because I'm not. I'm not ok with this at all. In fact I think it's safe to say I've been brave and strong long enough. Now I'm seriously just trying to get through this week without thinking about the next time I'm going to see her. I honestly never thought this would happen as soon as it did, and I know God's timing is perfect but I also know this is going to change everything. I mean my mom just lost one of her best friends. Well, to be honest I guess she'd lost her way before she died because she had alzheimers but it still is one of the biggest loads I think she's going to have to carry. I know all her childern must be feeling this way. I don't even want to think anymore about my mom.
Also, with my mom having demencia this isnt exactly the best way to see my Grandma die cause now all I'm hoping and praying for is that my mom doesnt die the same way.
I know this is awful to write but I've been holding this in for ever and I can't not write about it. I'm a writer it's what I do. And now I keep drawing things- you know what that means? It means I'm trying to find an outlet for myself because I'm stressed out. When I'm stressed and depressed I write, or draw, and of course I bake. I bake everything from scratch but of course being at college kind of kills that..especially when they charge you 50 cents to use the kitchens because the girls that have been using have totally trashed it.
Respect people that's all it is.
You know what the really sad part about all of this is? I'm stuck in Oklahoma, and now Cherie has to come down to get me and quite honestly...I would rather it be dad to tell you the truth cause she's going to have me crying all the way home.
She does that.
Anyways I'm kinda tired of complaining of my problems so I'll go now.
bye!
~Mandi

my crush

Dear God,

Ok so he's not the guy I had in mind to be completely honest. He is tall, dark, and handsome, but he is so not the "man's man" I was thinking of. God just kinda put him in my life, and now I can't stop wishing that one day we'll be more than just friends. He always makes me laugh- maybe that's how he wormed his way into my heart, but I just can't let him go. I keep thinking maybe this is a waste of time-that I should seriously let it go, and just be his friend. But then I'll see him and I can't seem to tell my heart to stop wanting something that it can't have.
Dang thing, won't give me a min's rest. So you know what? I'm going to give it to you Lord, because your the only one that knows me and quite honestly are the only one who knows when/if they're will be a perfect time for me and him.
So goodnight to all, and I love you Lord- In Christs' name I pray, Amen.

~Mandi

Weekly Update-

So this is supposed to be the ending of a era right? I mean my parents moved yesterday- I'm in college, and Cherie just got married. But for some reason I keep wanting to go back. I mean I miss everyone and everything about home. I mean don't get me wrong I love my life here. But it's like I'm constantly supposed to be this bubbly social person, and at times that's good and all but at other times I'm just so exhausted and I don't want to try. I just want to go home, but that's just it- my parents moved, so I can't go home. The home I know is gone. And I haven't talked to anyone in my family since like 3 days ago because my stupid cell phone is out of minutes. Man I could write a book about his couldn't I? ha ha, I probably will.
And another thing-men are weird. I mean really.
Jeesh- you know how annoying it is to like someone and not have you like them back? Well imagine them liking you as a friend and because they don't want to ruin the nice little conversations you have going - they never say anything. And so then when you've decided your going to give up on him and put yourself out there again- he goes and pulls something like "I want you to meet my parents"....I'm so utterly confused I don't know what to do. And I don't even really know if we'd work together either. Because I want a man. I mean a man who will stand up to my dad if he doesn't approve. A man that would die for Christ and me, and a man who makes me laugh so hard I think I might die. I mean is that so hard? A guy who can be serious and funny? Is that asking too much to have someone open up to me? I mean I really can probably understand any situation you throw in my direction. I can see where you're coming from and I can help you- you just have to let me love you. I mean isn't that what God asks of us everyday when we need to make a decision? To love him- to just let us be loved by him?
Man out off all the things this week at least I got to see a baptism today- yup that's right everyone we have a new sister in Christ! AMEN!
Oh and your probably wondering what type of a week I've had eh? Well it was all going pretty well- wrote 2 papers, and took some quizzes, did my homework, and now I'm supposed to be studying. And so when I went to go paint the set for the Play the Ugly Duckling this Saturday, it was not a big deal because I had done so many other hard things this week right? Well...I fell and landed on the chair I was conveniently using as a stepping stool to paint a castle tower...and totally bruised the inside of my leg..which is conveniently located right next to my butt. So whenever I sit...ouch. Yeah- I don't think I'll ever forget this bruise. ha ha. I was surfing the web last night just trying to find something to tell me how to treat it- cold compress and rest...yup did em. So why does it still hurt? Because it's a muscle bruise- which means it wont heal for up to a month. OH JOY!
Well that's the update of my week- I'm sure whoever reads this will get a kick out of it but..yeah this is me and my life-get used to it :D

~Mandi Jo.

GOT A HOLD ON ME-HANSON

Try as I mightI'm a fool in a losing fightCan't escape the bullet's biteCuz the enemy's inside.Sign on the dotted lineTake your pick Have a biteWhen seduction startsI know it won't stopTill I give you the thingsI can't denyYou've got me wrapped up in your cancerBut I'm not quite what you thought I'd be{You really got a hold on meYou really got a hold and its feelin' good.You really got control of meI should've gotten out when I thought I could}I get my fix for the last time One more trip to the other sideI scratch my skinCuz you leave me dryI'm makin' deals with thieves and liars{chorus}Walk the roads down the boulevardsPast the dollar shows for the bleeding heartsYou've used me upDown to the last dropBut I'm more than what you thought I'd beYou thought you had a hold on meYou thought you had a hold and its feelin' good.You thought you had control of meShould have gotten out when you thought I wouldYou thought you had control of meBut you never had your hold on meYou never had control of meYou never had control of me, control of me

God is Good!

Oh my goodness God is amazing! I mean really, I feel like he's just putting my life into order for me right in front of my eyes. Today I had the best worship service with him- I sang out my soul, and when I got back to my room I checked my email and realized that I am going to be an Assistant Director for the play The Ugly Duckling. I am SO EXCITED! I know though it is all because of what God has given me, and what his will is. I just was sitting in my bible class- and it's my favorite class because everytime I read the word of God in that class I am blown away with every detail that you cant know just reading it. I mean there are so many parallels from the Old Testament to the new, and Jesus incorporates so many of them just by being born! God is so amazing! and I want to shout it from the ROOF TOPS!! HE's CHANGED MY LIFE and for the better- so much so, that I realized I don't need anyone else in my life. Like a boy I mean. I mean it was depressing me because ever since I got here I was like "where is he?" lol. And when I didnt find him I was like "but that was the plan!" lol. And I am just beginning to realize I wouldnt be me right now with someone else in the picture. I am so glad that he has chosen this path for me.
I have been given the grace of God, and I will never let him go. I know that now and forevermore. I have never been more certain that he is the one and only creator and the ruler of my life, and I am more than willing to give it to him.
I love you Lord, thank you for continually blessing me. I will continue to praise you all my days.
~Mandi

College

Is so not what I expected my first days being like. It seems everyone is busy with something because it's the first few days so everyone's like "Oh my finances" or "My I-phone/I-Touch" etc... And then you always have the giggling girls in the hallways you wish you could talk to but dont want to inturrupt thier conversation...lol.
Oh well I know I will meet some, if not all tonight. Abigail (our RA) is holding a hall meeting. She's like the coolest RA I could have asked for. She has like punk blonde hair and she's so nice :D. It makes me smile to see other girls being their independant selves. You know knowing that you can be yourself even if your not at home gives out this "I am me" vibe that just makes you confident to see.
Man I just don't know what to do to find some confident people that are just loving and nice- I guess people like me. I know that sounds bad but I need people around me I know I can trust right now. I just don't feel that protected here. Then again it has only been a few nights- I'm sure there is bound to be someone God puts into my life- right Lord?
well this is all I will write for tonight.
goodnight,
Mandi

well...

I'm back from Canada, and the really weird thing, is that this time it didnt change me in the way I thought it would. I was only thinking about this guy the whole time, and didnt even realize why I was there, I lost touch with myself and I stopped asking god what he thought, and kept only thinking of him and what he would do if he were to find out about my feelings. So it took me sitting in a van for 11 hours with him behind me to realize I dont want to lose him, so I would wait to tell him my feelings until the right time and until then I would be his friend. Someone he would feel comfortable with enough to talk to. So anyways when we got home from Canada it was 3 a.m. and my ride was him of course cause its on his way home so on the ride back he starts talking to me about what I think about another girl, and my hearts ripped in two because I knew this would happen. I know I'm going to have to see him around other girls, looking for everyone but me. And so I got really upset. I emailed Sara to ask what she thought ,and got no reply.
So I spent yesterday with one of my other friends I know I'm not going to see for awhile-and spent the day at the pool relaxing and trying not to think about him-ha. And then came home to find my dad got a call from him, saying he had found out and that he didnt return the feelings and blah blah blah.
So uh. I cried, then I called him myself.
The weird thing is he was so understanding, and kind about all of it. And the other wierd thing is I'm not mad at him, and I'm not mad at myself. I'm mad because someone betrayed my trust, someone told him how I felt, when it wasnt thier place. I had already decided not to tell him, to live my life until I felt we were both in the same place. I guess though that thought never entered his mind. Guess I'm not pretty enough to spark romantic feelings, but then agian I know it's God telling me he's not it- not now, and that if this hadn't of happend my camp week would be ruined, and I would feel the whole week like I do right now. So it's better to feel this way, and it's better to let God into my life once agian. And this has taught me that I shouldnt loose sight of my faith or my God, I should always keep him in my mind when this stuff starts happening so I can see what he has in store for me a little clearer.
And I'm not saying I'm ok, becuase of course I'm hurt- I liked this man for 8 months, it's going to take some time, but just because it's not him doesnt mean it wont be someone else. He is right I am going to meet someone new at OC, and no that is not the reason I am there but it does make me feel good to know I have that option.
It feels good to write this down. I just don't know where to go from here? I dont really know how to act around him, but I know God will be with me when and if that storm comes.
I'm better now, I'm stronger- and I'm turning into the woman God wants me to be. So that when I do finally meet my one, I will know.

Martina McBride song

Wrong Again
From the day we met
You made me forget
All my fears
Knew just what to say
And you kissed away
All my tearsI knew this time
I had finally found
Someone to build my life around
Who'd be a lover and a friend
After all my heart had put me through
I knew that it was safe with you
And what we had would never end
Wrong again
Everybody swore
They'd seen this before
We'd be fine
And you'd come to see that you still loved me
In good time
And they said there's nothing you can do
It's something that he's going through
It happens to a lot of men
And I told myself that they were right
That you'd wake up and see the light
And I just had to wait 'til then
Wrong again
And it seemed to me the pain would last
My chance for happiness had passed
And nothing waited 'round the bend
I was sure I'd never find someone
To heal the damage you had done
And my poor heart would never mend
Wrong again
Wrong again

i dont know what to do

I mean I know he sees me, I am a very visable person, but what the heck? he cant wait like 5 min to talk to me or give me a hug.?And you know when someone says "hey stranger." your supposed to talk to them and try to ask them how they're doing...OMG he didnt even ask how I was...
Ok now I feel worse. How can the next guy I like end up thinking I am invisible and not worth caring about..CRAP.
He's such a hypocrite... "I will love you if you let me." PAH HA. Stupid facebook...never reliable. Why am I doing this to myself. I know we wont ever be anything, but that just seems to make me want to cry. WHY ME? is this punishment for breaking someone elses heart??
At least I know there is one thing I can count on, God's love. I think I would be a absolute reck with out him with me, helping me let go.
Man this totally wamps.
Its like I gave myself all these false hopes and clung on to anything and everything I could just to convince myself he was just trying not to lose his job, or ruin his rep, but now I just think he doesnt like me at all- just because I dont have the finer things in life. Guess he never stoped to think I have gone to hell and back, or the fact that I've survived it all and come through a better christian and person for it- but does he care to ask? No. He doesnt because all he cares about is playing video games and spending all his money on music and food- wow, that's so great and admirable- hey mr. christ like person- I know God would never smug me, so stop acting like I dont exsist!
GAHH WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM?
It's not like I'm hideous. Granted I know I could lose a few pounds and I am, it just takes time dang it. Shesh excuse me if I'm not miss Anna who is ike a size 2. Gah. All girls named Anna just rub me the wrong way now- Thanks man thanks. And uh if you want a girlfriend so bad stop looking so damn hard, I AM RIGHT HERE HELLO! Just because I'm younger doesnt mean I'm naive- I'm just as mature as any of the girls ive met that you've liked. I mean Anna- total ditz, sure she's beautiful and a christian but...what am I saying I dont even know her- she's probably awesome. I HATE THIS.
And I cant even talk to chels about this because she's always gone and so am I.
whatever-giving it all to God and hopeing that the Canada trip goes better than today. 8 hours in a van with him....I pod her I come.
~Manda

Next To You

Two o'clock and I wish that I was sleepin
Your in my head like a song on the radio
All I know is I gotta get next to you (gotta get next to you)
Sittin here turnin minutes into hours
To find the nerve just to call you on the telephone
Cause you don't know that I gotta get next to you
[Chorus]
Maybe were friends
Maybe were more
Maybe it's just my imagination
But I see you stare just a little to long
And it makes me start to wonder
So baby call me crazy but I think you feel it too
Maybe I, Maybe I just gotta get next to you
[ah, gotta get next to you]
Asked around and I heard that you were talkin
Told my girl that you thought that I was outta your league
What a fool, I gotta get next to you [whoa, gotta get next to you]
Yeah its five in the mourning and I can't go to sleep
Cause I wish, yeah, I wish you knew what you mean to me
[Baby] Lets get together and end this misery [oh]
[Chorus]
Maybe were friends
Maybe were more
Maybe it's just my imagination
But I see you stare just a little to long
And it makes me start to wonder
So baby call me crazy but I think you feel it too
Maybe I, Maybe I just gotta get next to you
[whatcha gonna say, whatcha gonna do
how you get the one you want]
To wanna get next to you
[whatcha gonna say, whatcha gonna do
how you get the one you want]
To wanna get next to you, Yeah
[whatcha gonna say, whatcha gonna do
how you get the one you want]
What I gotta say, what I gotta do
If I wanna get next to you
[whatcha gonna say, whatcha gonna do
how you get the one you want]
To wanna get next to you, yeah
To wanna get next to you
[Chorus]
Maybe were friends
Maybe were more
Maybe it's just my imagination
But I see you stare just a little to long
And it makes me start to wonder
So baby call me crazy but I think you feel it too
Maybe I [baby call me crazy]
But I know you feel it too
Maybe I, maybe I just gotta get next to you
[ah, yeah]
I gotta get next to you