well...

I'm back from Canada, and the really weird thing, is that this time it didnt change me in the way I thought it would. I was only thinking about this guy the whole time, and didnt even realize why I was there, I lost touch with myself and I stopped asking god what he thought, and kept only thinking of him and what he would do if he were to find out about my feelings. So it took me sitting in a van for 11 hours with him behind me to realize I dont want to lose him, so I would wait to tell him my feelings until the right time and until then I would be his friend. Someone he would feel comfortable with enough to talk to. So anyways when we got home from Canada it was 3 a.m. and my ride was him of course cause its on his way home so on the ride back he starts talking to me about what I think about another girl, and my hearts ripped in two because I knew this would happen. I know I'm going to have to see him around other girls, looking for everyone but me. And so I got really upset. I emailed Sara to ask what she thought ,and got no reply.
So I spent yesterday with one of my other friends I know I'm not going to see for awhile-and spent the day at the pool relaxing and trying not to think about him-ha. And then came home to find my dad got a call from him, saying he had found out and that he didnt return the feelings and blah blah blah.
So uh. I cried, then I called him myself.
The weird thing is he was so understanding, and kind about all of it. And the other wierd thing is I'm not mad at him, and I'm not mad at myself. I'm mad because someone betrayed my trust, someone told him how I felt, when it wasnt thier place. I had already decided not to tell him, to live my life until I felt we were both in the same place. I guess though that thought never entered his mind. Guess I'm not pretty enough to spark romantic feelings, but then agian I know it's God telling me he's not it- not now, and that if this hadn't of happend my camp week would be ruined, and I would feel the whole week like I do right now. So it's better to feel this way, and it's better to let God into my life once agian. And this has taught me that I shouldnt loose sight of my faith or my God, I should always keep him in my mind when this stuff starts happening so I can see what he has in store for me a little clearer.
And I'm not saying I'm ok, becuase of course I'm hurt- I liked this man for 8 months, it's going to take some time, but just because it's not him doesnt mean it wont be someone else. He is right I am going to meet someone new at OC, and no that is not the reason I am there but it does make me feel good to know I have that option.
It feels good to write this down. I just don't know where to go from here? I dont really know how to act around him, but I know God will be with me when and if that storm comes.
I'm better now, I'm stronger- and I'm turning into the woman God wants me to be. So that when I do finally meet my one, I will know.